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Baruffio is a blog for people who take silly things way too seriously. It’s where you can read ludicrously in-depth analyses of a single spell. It’s where the only argument against a conspiracy theory is that it’s not consistent. It’s where we’re still talking about Harry Potter, after all these years.

“Point me!”

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Earlier this month, J.K. Rowling finally admitted that Ron and Hermione should not have ended up together. While this led us to ponder what alternate endings Rowling might have secretly preferred, it offered powerful support for the once-maligned Ronbledore Theory, which maintains that Ron is Dumbledore, and at some point went back in time to live the majority of his life as the eldest son of Percival and Kendra Dumbledore.

Figure illustrating the Ronbledore theory

(Figure 1, above: The blue line represents the “Ron” period of Ronbledore’s life, and the green represents the “Dumbledore” period. The exact point at which Ronbledore went back in time (represented by the cyan line) is unknown, but this essay will help to narrow the possibilites.)

The truth of the Ronbledore Theory has by now been pretty well established, but I would like to shore up its foundations with some new evidence, evidence that will help explain why Ronbledore went back in time, as well as—roughly—when.

She doesn’t get your humor like I do

The first step of this essay may seem to be a non sequitur, but its relevance will soon become apparent. The first step is to show that Ron and Luna Lovegood are soulmates. This is easily accomplished. Allow me to draw your attention to two passages.

First, from Order of the Phoenix. Ron is here declaring his intention to exert his prefect powers over Gregory Goyle:

“For heaven”s sake, Ron —”

“I’ll make Goyle do lines, it’ll kill him, he hates writing,” said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle”s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I … must … not … look … like … a … baboon”s … backside.”

Everyone laughed, but nobody laughed harder than Luna Lovegood. She let out a scream of mirth that caused Hedwig to wake up and flap her wings indignantly and Crookshanks to leap up into the luggage rack, hissing. Luna laughed so hard her magazine slipped out of her grasp, slid down her legs and on to the floor.

“That was funny!

Her prominent eyes swam with tears as she gasped for breath, staring at Ron. Utterly nonplussed, he looked around at the others, who were now laughing at the expression on Ron’s face and at the ludicrously prolonged laughter of Luna Lovegood, who was rocking backwards and forwards, clutching her sides.

“Are you taking the mickey?” said Ron, frowning at her.

“Baboon’s … backside!” she choked, holding her ribs (OotP, chapter 10).

Luna is the only person who truly appreciates Ron’s humor. This point is repeated in Half-Blood Prince (“He says very funny things sometimes, doesn”t he?“), and we also learn that Ron find’s Luna’s wit equally enchanting:

“I could hear the match commentary from here,” said Ron, his voice now shaking with laughter. “I hope Luna always commentates from now on … Loser’s Lurgy … “ (HBP, chapter 19)

Baboon’s backside. Loser’s Lurgy. Surely, true love.

True love, however, was not to be. Ron ended up with Hermione—for a time.

“It is too late, you understand me?”

Why did Ron end up with Hermione, when our souls cried out in protest and even Rowling knew it was wrong?

The answer, ultimately, is that it had to be so. The course of Time is fixed, and Ron’s choice of Hermione over Luna was a matter of cruel necessity. The course of Time is fixed: it is forever true that Ronbledore went back in time, and so nothing can occur that would alter that fact. And Ron would not have gone back in time, had he married Luna.

Had he married his soulmate, had the baboon’s backside been blessed to suffer from Loser’s Lurgy for all of his days, then Ron would have been happy. He would have lived his life, content, no longer jealous of Harry’s fame because the one person in the world who understands him would be always by his side. There would have been no dissatisfaction, no reckless urges to break free of a dreary day-to-day and make a dramatic break with the present.

But happiness was not to be.

Ron married Hermione, and suffered. It was for that reason that he eventually went back in time, to escape the marriage he knew was wrong and to make something of himself, somewhere where he would not always be compared to the Boy Who Lived.

Somewhere? Somewhen.

How to keep soulmates apart

The question remains, however, that torments all gentle hearts: how is it possible that Ron ended up with Hermione, when true love was staring him in the face? What could have prevented such a man from pursuing Luna Lovegood and winning her hand?

What, or who? Attend to this passage from Half-Blood Prince:

“Oh, it’s a Gurdyroot,” she said, stuffing the cat litter and the toadstool back into her bag. “You can keep it if you like, I’ve got a few of them. They’re really excellent for warding off Gulping Plimpies.”

And she walked away, leaving Ron chortling, still clutching the Gurdyroot.

“You know, she’s grown on me, Luna,” he said, as they set off again for the Great Hall. “I know she”s insane, but it”s in a good—”

He stopped talking very suddenly. Lavender Brown was standing at the foot of the marble staircase looking thunderous.

“Hi,” said Ron nervously.

“C’mon,” Harry muttered to Hermione, and they sped past, though not before they had heard Lavender say, “Why didn’t you tell me you were getting out today? And why was she with you?” (HBP, chapter 20)

Are you beginning to understand? When Lavender says “why was she with you”, she is not referring to Hermione.

Now look! Look at this passage from Deathly Hallows:

“I like this song,” said Luna, swaying in time to the waltz-like tune, and a few seconds later she stood up and glided on to the dance floor, where she revolved on the spot, quite alone, eyes closed and waving her arms.

“She’s great, isn’t she?” said Ron admiringly. “Always good value.”

But the smile vanished from his face at once: Viktor Krum had dropped into Luna’s vacant seat. Hermione looked pleasurably flustered, but this time Krum had not come to compliment her. With a scowl on his face he said, “Who is that man in the yellow?” (DH, chapter 8)

Whenever Ron admires Luna, whenever his heart is on the verge of telling him its truth, a time-traveling witch or wizard arrives to distract him. The most heartbreaking part of this is that these magical anti-Cupids are most likely sent by Ronbledore himself, during his Dumbledore years. He knows that he must marry Hermione in order to fulfill his destiny, and so deliberately undermines his own happiness for the sake of the wizarding world.

Join me now in a moment of silence for the two great sacrifices Ronbledore makes: first, his life, and then his love.